samy_eeyore

It's been a long while since i have updated this.. and it's not like it really matters anyway but since i have a little free time and it's 4am i guess i can share a few details  of my life. I'm living back at my mother's because of complications at the apartment in Racine along with work in kenosha and the schooling im going to be starting. I have been writing alot and sending most of the poems out to try and get them published so far just  Girl with the kaleidoscope eyes is the only one that has been excepted not that i take it lightly because  i worked my ass off on the poem. I have also been working on my photography i have found a few new models and i also bout a folder so i can start printing off some of my work..i have a few clients who want me to do some paying jobs which is good. I also have photoshop now and im working on putting a desktop computer together strictly for the purpose of my photo's and editing so i guess it's all coming together.

I feel .. i guess empty inside would be the word for it.. ever since she left  me.  I'm aware of the fact that i should just get over it and forget about the past but it's really hard even more so when i pretty much don't exist anymore.. i never wanted things to turn out this way ... i  never would have replaced you.. i think i gave you all the love i had to give..  i have tried a few dates and even a one nite stand it all seems pointless.. so i'm not really sure what todo about that .... i can only hope that things get better i guess i am trying to stay positive.

Tomorrow night i start running regularly again. i need to get back into shape i can see the difference when i look in the mirror and i am not sure why i am aloud to be out in public.. ugh.. i have been trying to eat right and have been spending as little time indoors as i can .

i have been a bit more social and have made some acquaintances not sure if any of them are really worth my time but we shall find out soon enough i suppose . I can't wait for summer to get here i have so  much planned already and i'm guaranteed a good time...
well im not sure what else to write so i guess i will end it at this.

I notice that right below my ear, behind the bend in the jaw bone, there is a grape sized lump, im freaking out now because its either a swollen gland or something serious like cancer or lymphoma... :/

so im not sure what to do , i try the gods know how i try...

Things never seem to make a difference,but that doesn't mean that im gonna stop trying though, if i quit i would have nothing left in my life , and at least dragging on this way i have my failed attempts to keep me company. my hero complex has been left on the side of the road somewhere... i just can't help people anymore i am incapable of handling my own problems so hopefully now things change a bit. i am actually in love , if i wasn't it wouldn't hurt me so bad know that i am being completely rejected , and unworthy. just the way things work i guess.. i don't want to give up but the thought of fighting to be with here and continuing to hope that eventually we will be together and it not happening kills me more and more each day. Maybe this is just me being completely pathetic and overly emotional.. but its the way that i feel and i cant help that. i know all the things that i need to do and im slowly but surely working on them.. i just hoped that you would be there with me in the process of it all. But you cant cuz your thoughts on it all are to just leave me wounded and alone , because its too much to deal with... and i don't blame you or hate you, thats what most people would do but i guess that's where im different then everyone else or maybe its just the hero-complex.    i dont know why i even typed this up.. i don't get response don't think this is even used anymore... i guess it feels better getting it out tho

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Chorus:
Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still

Chorus

How long, in another space and time
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long, did I know so hard to find
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

C'mon
Whoa Whoa X6
But I still walk on

Well, things are changing and i have no control over that and i think it kinda scares me to an extent...

I'm not the one that you want ,  I'll only let you down, and im pretty sure that you've caught on.

In less than five days Emily will be leaving Kenosha , and moving into her apartment with her roommates in Madison for an Entire school year...  that's 365 day roughly that she will be there... and i will be here.. granted she will come here on weekends and maybe holidays and i will try and get out there every now and then.. it's just really gonna suck.. Ive grown really accustom to seeing her all the time being able to hangout and what not, i guess that just proves that we like to take things for granted .

I'm also looking for a new job which i need , to build the foundation for everything that i need to get done.


license
car
place of my own
GED or equivalent
etc.

This week im going to really crack down on filling out applications and talk to some people i know and see if they can get me in anywhere because i desperately need a job and that's no joke...

                    Otherwise ... im going to turn into mike sheets  which i don't to hear let alone think about but i guess if i don't get my shit straight it will become reality very quick and i might as well go sign up for the  military ..


I'm trying to get in shape , although i do admit i have slipped up a few times..
with my meals  but i haven't drank any soda in awhile which is good. im running at least once every day which i am proud of. I'm doing push ups and sit ups and squats also trying to drink a gallon of water a day and if i keep up with it all for a few weeks i should see some results which would definitely give me a boost of confidence which i surely do need (even if i don't show it all the time)


Trying hard to make new friends i am, although i am learning that there aren't many people out there that are actually worth being friends with , most people are only out for themselves and are fake. But that doesn't mean im going to quit trying  im hoping to have at least 10 good friends my the next few months at least .



I'm hating what others have made me into , more and more everyday .. all the shit i have been threw has shaped me into something that i never wanted to become and im just now realizing it .. Slowly but surely im losing touch with myself and the real me is shriveling up into nothing..   But I'm not going to lose myself because of passed bullshit and present problems tomorrow i start over new and im going to resurrect  myself if you will. Fuck trying to be what im not, trying to be what others want it's just not going to work for me ... which makes me think of a song that i wrote.

              Someone  Anyone
I don't know why it is that i try

nobody will ever  be satisfied

the only thing that is sure

in my life is that i will die



Someone needs to help me

Someone needs to stay

Someone needs to stop pushing me away



getting sick & tired of fighting

always doing what im told

all i ever wanted was somebody  to hold


Someone needs to help me

Someone needs to stay

Someone needs to stop pushing me away


Someone please help me

Someone please stay

Someone please stop pushing me away


Someone please help me

Someone please stay

Someone please stop pushing me the fuck away....



Emo shit right? yeah, i think so too but what  can i say it came from the heart and even if it doesn't look like it a lot went into the writing of that song.


I hate it hear and only a few people actually understand that i mean that with every drop of blood in my veins if i could just get up and forget all of the people in this house i would do it without hesitation, and no im not a coldhearted  person  i am just sick and tired of being beat down and abused like some back alley stray ha, but no matter how i put it i  come out as the villain anyway so it really doesn't even matter 



i needed to vent i guess, i used to do this all the time  on the internet or in a bound journal.. i guess that's just another way that I've changed i guess,  but im sure most of you are sick of reading my bitching so i will just leave it at that .

So, im trying to get my shit together. im going to be working at kemper alot more cuz construction of the haunted house is going to be soon started. so i kinda have my hands full organizing meetings and keeping the kids on task , recruiting so far is going to be whats the hardest .
Emily is going to be leaving soon for school.. which is going to blow royale  but i think i can deal there WILL be many visits and phone calls and text messages so we will still pretty much be glued to each other . I'm going to be working with photography alot more these next couple of weeks  on the 14th im gonna take promotional pictures for Christina kelly's new book. which is going to be cool cuz there going to be all rockstar themed .   Then somewehre after the 4th of next month im going to hopefully be shooting someones weddding and makeing a decent amount of money and possibly a camera  :) which is going to be great too . I wil be broadening my horizion and going out of my comfort zone with shooting the wedding . I havent been able to run much with all this damn rain.. i wish it would just stop we don't need this much  silly rain clouds. My boo helped me get rockband  <33  i wuv her very much who else can say there gf is cool enough to buy them rockband? nobody which is my point   Muah